Indiana

I (Lisa Tinsley) now know that God had His hand in my life from the very beginning. I don't understand why things happened the way they did, but I perceive that God knew the effect it would have on me.

I was brought up knowing about the goodness of God from stories I heard from my grandmother. As a young child I was badly hurt, and that was the beginning of my deep sadness and spiral out of control. I thought I had done something wrong because God had allowed this to happen to me. I felt I wasn't good enough no matter how hard I tried, and I remember feeling damaged beyond repair.

I was brought up as a Christian, and I remember sitting in my grandmother's den and watching George Vandeman on It Is Written. He spoke of God and His saving grace. But I was only ten years old, and I didn't really understand the concept very much. I was too overshadowed with fear and pain to think about it.

I was 13 years old when I first used heroin and cocaine. I felt such emptiness within my heart, and believed I had found something that would allow me the peace and contentment I so longed for.

I wanted so much to be loved and to have meaning in my life, but didn't understand how to accomplish this. When I was almost 15, I became pregnant with my first child. Because of my horrendous addiction, my mother feared for my life as well as my unborn child's life. She took me to a drug rehabilitation center where I was put on Methadone, a maintenance medication. Nothing really changed in my life, so I continued to use cocaine because I couldn't feel heroin on top of this medication, since it was so strong. My mother didn't realize that Methadone was nothing more than synthetic morphine.

I became pregnant twice more. I was so confused and saddened, not knowing what I should do or where to go, so I had an abortion. I now believe I actually committed murder! At the time, this didn't really dawn on me because my mind was so clouded with medication.

When I was 21, I became pregnant with my second living child. I continued Methadone on and off, and tried somewhat to get my life together. When my second daughter was a little over a year and half old, my family convinced me to give her up for adoption because of my circumstances. It broke my heart. I soon began using heavily again so I could forget my sadness and pain.

At 23, I had a son. We lived in Florida with his father who eventually committed a crime and went to prison. My son and I moved to Tennessee to live with my grandmother so I could try to get my life together. While there, I heard about a hospital that treated the whole person—mentally, physically and spiritually. I had no idea Madison Hospital was an Adventist Hospital. They accepted me, and I was there for a month. I don't remember everything they taught me (I just remember bits and pieces of my life), but I look back and think, If only I had listened, why didn't I listen!

The last thing I remember before coming to Indiana 20 years ago was having my four-year-old son, Damon, in the car with me at the airport. I was picking up an acquaintance arriving from Detroit. As he walked to my car, sirens went off and narcotics agents were everywhere. My son screamed because he was so scared, and they arrested me right in front of him. I remember my sister coming, and then driving away with Damon while he looked back at me and cried.

I made bail after several months, and was permitted to come to Indiana on probation. I came to Indiana with a friend who happened to pick me up hitchhiking one Saturday. I asked why he was so dressed up, and he told me he was a Seventh-day Adventist, and he had just left church. This was my third encounter with the Seventh-day Adventist faith! I'm so thankful he brought me to Indiana to try to help me. I know he has prayed for my salvation through the years, and helped my son, Damon, receive a Christian education.

In Indiana, I still lived a precarious life and only thought of myself. My disease had me convinced I wasn't hurting anyone other than myself. I didn't realize how much I was hurting my son and others around me who cared.

Throughout my life, even though my mind was clouded, I remember at times crying out to God for help, but I just couldn't stop what I was doing. I tried over and over, but couldn't. I prayed for help again, and this time something was different. The Lord sent me to Narcotics Anonymous (NA). There I learned about my disease, and that I can have total abstinence from drugs as long as I stay in connection with the God of my understanding, work the spiritual steps, and give service back to God first, and then to my fellowman. And praise the Lord, it really began to work! Since then, there have been many miracles!

I have been clean for seven years! I have great friends from NA, and I have a sponsor who truly loves and cares for me. I have wonderful Christian friends who know my story, and still they love and support me unconditionally. I've also been able to get my GED and go to college. The Lord has been so good.

One thing still grieves my soul. I just can't seem to get past how I hurt my children, especially my son. I know God forgave me, but He doesn't take the consequences away. He can't, because I did it myself, and the cause and effect are there. I yearn desperately for my son to return to God; now I have just a little glimpse of how my heavenly Father must have yearned for me all those years. It grieves me to think how I hurt Him and the time I've lost. But thanks to God, He didn't give up on me.

I can't believe who I am today! My identity, my being is in Him. I am truly a miracle, and I will walk daily and carefully with Him. I look forward to spending eternity with Jesus, my children, my mother, grandparents, my church family, my NA friends and others who will give their hearts to the Savior that I have earnestly prayed for! I love my faith dearly, and thanks so much for allowing me to be a part of this church family!

Lisa Tinsley, Cicero Church member