We asked Rodney Grove to write the September editorial in keeping with the bylaws, which call for the executive secretary to carry out the responsibilities of the president in the president's absence.—The editors

I hate it. No, that's not exactly right. I really, really hate it. In the past, fingernails scratching on a slate chalkboard was the worst sound a person could hear. For those who are too young to have experienced that agony, slate boards came before blackboards, which came before green boards, which preceded the nice marker boards we have in classrooms today. The sound of fingernails or metal or even hard chalk on a slate board was enough to make your hair stand straight out and your body involuntarily curl into the fetal position.

Technological advances, however, have aided cell phone companies in coming up with something even worse. You may never have heard it, but in the Berrien Springs, Michigan, area it happens more often than we like. Make a call and the result could be a loud, shrill, ear-piercing, sinus-clearing, eyeball-watering, spine-tingling, body numbing noise that you can't turn off or get the phone far enough from your ear to avoid. Looking at the screen to see the reason you were tormented, you simply find the words "call failed." How the tower can get that message to the phone when the phone can't get a number to the tower is beyond me!

To get help, I have even looked over my shoulder at the network that follows me everywhere (you've seen the commercials with all the people). They just look embarrassed. I inform them that it's an emergency; they just hang their heads. I tell them it's an important business call; they just shrug their shoulders. I explain that I just want to talk to my Best Friend, and they raise their palms in the direction of the nearest cell tower. But nothing changes—call failed!

Fortunately, I belong to another network. It has worked for me in the jungles of Haiti and virtually deserted islands in the Pacific, the Himalayas in Nepal and the Vatican in Rome, the wasteland of the American West and the crowded subways of our giant cities, and it has never dropped a call. The technology, though ancient, is simple to use, yet unmatched by the latest services and gadgets. Its simplicity, however, is actually so intricately complex that when used, the only explanation is, "It's a miracle!"

Just as amazing is the cost. It is so priceless I could never pay for it; yet the full, deluxe, unlimited hours, no-roaming charge service comes absolutely free. And no taxes, hidden charges or fees! Every call goes through, and I have never gotten a busy signal, voice mail recording or that terrifying "dropped signal" noise. On this network, every call is a priority and immediately gets through, from catastrophic emergencies to a child's bedtime prayer. And my Best Friend always has time to chat. The Prayer Network never fails.

Rodney Grove is the executive secretary of the Lake Union Conference.