One of the greatest challenges to relationships today is the high value Western society places on individualism. However, family clinicians and sociologists have recently shifted their focus from the individual to the family system.
From the beginning of time, God created family systems. The Genesis story records the drama. Adam was alone, and that was not good. Everything else in Creation was good.1 As Adam began his first work by naming the animals as God’s appointed representative,2 he became aware of his solitude. “Then the Lord God said, ‘It is not good for the man to be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for him.'”3
The Bible records the design and creation of man and woman, then establishes and defines the institution of marriage. God intended husband and wife, male and female, to be a spiritual, functional unit—walking in integrity, serving God, and keeping His commandments in relational unity. When we choose, by God’s Spirit, to live in this harmony, society prospers. When this model is not in place, society suffers multiple and compounded negative consequences.
Eve was created by God’s design as a suitable (complementary) helper for Adam, thus establishing the first family system. The word translated helper, is not a demeaning term. It is most often used in Scripture to describe God.4 God’s method of creating Eve from the bone and flesh of Adam’s side5 teaches that men and women share a common identity. They are equals—each fully participating in God’s gift of His image and likeness. They complement each other in order to bond together as husband and wife—meeting each other’s deepest needs for intimacy, lifelong commitment, and mutual support.6
“God blessed them; and God said to them, ‘Be fruitful and multiply, and fill the earth, and subdue it; and rule over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the sky and over every living thing that moves on the earth.’”7 The principal role assigned to Adam and Eve was to populate the earth and manage it.8 Created in God’s image, they were to represent His nature as Creator and Ruler by reflecting the nature and graces of their distinctive genders.
We were created to reflect God’s social nature. Our gender reflects a dimension of God’s infinitely deep character as the potent Creator, and the perfectly wise, loving, and nurturing Person. We were created for intimacy (closeness) and community (togetherness). It is amazing how far we have come from God’s ideal for the human race.
In order for intimacy and community to develop, there needs to be a significant commitment of time. Meaningful interaction needs to take place in order to identify meaningful relationship.
Media, and all the electronic gadgets that deliver them, can rob families of valuable personal and intimate time together in meaningful interaction. Left unchecked, families will naturally drift apart in this fast-paced, disconnected environment. Many husbands and wives work in different careers outside of the home, while children are left after school to fend for themselves as best they can.
Face-to-face time is important for building meaningful relationships and transmitting important values. To remain close and together in our family relationships, we need intentionality. Being intentional about having daily family worship is a wonderful way to stay connected to Jesus and to each other. During this time we catch up with each other’s lives and pray together for the challenges of the day ahead. This daily spiritual oasis connects us to each other.
Another way our family is intentional is by having dinner together as often as possible. As a bonus to the meal, each one shares one thing they appreciate about each person in our family circle of four. This is a wonderful way to make emotional deposits in each other's lives, creating an environment of support and intimacy in our family system.
There are no perfect families. But being intentional about developing family systems that are nurturing, supportive, protective, and caring will help us survive the ups and downs that every family will experience.
Not all family situations are ideal. And the task of parenting is comparatively much more taxing on single parents. However, being intentional about connecting positively every day with his or her children is a goal every parent should have. When children feel close to their parents through mutual trust, disciplinary problems remain at a minimum. Ellen White observes, “One well-ordered, well-disciplined family tells more in behalf of Christianity than all the sermons that can be preached.”9 Order and discipline are virtues that are only evident when we make time with our children a high priority.
The Apostle Paul cautions against forms of abuse by instructing us not to use our authority to frustrate or injure our children.10 He urges that discipline (discipling) is to be loving, consistent, and fair while providing physical, emotional, and spiritual nurture.
Our families are caught in the great controversy between good and evil. Unless we choose Jesus every day, Satan is going to win. When we fall short of God’s ideal, rather than beating ourselves down with guilt for our mistakes, we need to remember that God is willing to forgive and help us to rearrange our priorities.
Jesus is coming soon, and He will help us to be ready with our families for this wonderful and blessed event. By spending meaningful time together, we can develop intimacy and cohesion that will bring health to our family relationships and spiritual health to share with our neighbors. This is the reality we pray for, for our family, and for yours as well. Maranatha!!!
1. Genesis 1:4, 10, 12, 18, 21, 25
2. Genesis 2:19–20
3. Genesis 2:18, NASB95
4. Psalm 33:20; 70:5; 115:9
5. Genesis 2:21
6. Genesis 2:24–25
7. Genesis 1:28, NASB95
8. Genesis 1:28
9. Ellen G. White, Adventist Home, (Hagerstown, Md.: Review & Herald Publishing, 32)
10. Ephesians 6:4
Willie Oliver is director of Family Ministries for the North American Division of the Seventh-day Adventist Church. Elaine Oliver is director of Financial Aid at Columbia Union College and a marriage and family consultant for the North American Division. They write from Silver Spring, Maryland.
