Invitations—$975. Flowers—$1,400. Wedding Gown—$2,500. Reception—$5,000. Premarital Guidance—Priceless.

Millions of Americans tuned in to watch the two-hour, prime-time show "Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire?", aired on national television the night after Valentine's Day in the year 2000. The reactions of those watching ran the gamut from amusement to shock, disbelief, and indignation. The television show allowed a mystery millionaire to pick a bride—with the help of friends and family—from 50 women.

Each semifinalist was interviewed. Physical attributes were displayed as each woman modeled beachwear for the bachelor and viewing audience. The soon-to-be-husband selected his bride, and the couple wed a few moments later—right after the commercial break—without ever meeting each other and obviously without any type of premarital education. This couple tied the knot before learning the ropes and after a few days had their marriage annulled.

The show closely reflects the prevailing view of marriage in our society today. The parallel is almost too close for comfort—have beautiful wedding pageantry and then dissolve the relationship because of irreconcilable differences. According to the executive producer, the show itself was successful because of wish fulfillment—most people wish for a relationship.

God created us to be in a relationship—first with Him, and then with one another. And the need to belong and be a part of someone else's life is still one of our primary basic needs. Furthermore, most people want a satisfying marriage relationship that lasts a lifetime. The fact that almost 50 percent of all first-time marriages end in divorce has not deterred many from matrimony. Sadly, far too many couples enter marriage with as little preparation as did the two people who became husband and wife on the television show.

Most couples spend an enormous amount of time, energy, and resources preparing for a wedding day that lasts a few hours. Not as much time is spent getting the necessary relationship skills needed to build a marriage for a lifetime.

After the beautiful wedding and exotic honeymoon, couples are faced with the mundane matters of life. Such issues as remembering to balance the checkbook, which direction to put the toilet paper roll, or what brand of toothpaste to use and how to squeeze it are but a few. Then there are more serious issues, such as which spouse's family to spend Thanksgiving or Christmas with, balancing work and marriage, and handling previous friendships.

Premarital Education as Prevention

Current research suggests the possibility of preventing marital distress through teaching couples skill-building in areas of communication and conflict management before problems develop. For those who want a lasting and happy marriage, premarital education is an absolute must. An effective premarital education program teaches couples specific skills, techniques, and ideas for maintaining and building a strong Christian marriage. It's an attempt to help a couple prepare for a happy, satisfying lifetime marriage and hopefully prevent future distress and divorce.

Couples who have had a positive premarital education experience are also more willing to participate in future marriage enrichment opportunities or counseling if necessary. If done effectively, premarital education prepares couples for inevitable disappointments and conflict in marriage.

Of course, teaching anything to a couple who is in a blissful state is very hard. However, this is when most couples usually ask for premarital guidance, after they are well into the wedding and honeymoon plans. Usually the pastor is consulted more as a courtesy, and pastors traditionally give a few courtesy premarital sessions and then a blessing on the wedding day. Ideally a couple should seek the guidance of the pastor or Christian counselor while deciding toward marriage and before setting the wedding date.

Many couples are so determined to be together they are afraid to get counseling for fear they will be told they aren't meant to be together. It's true a couple may dissolve a relationship because of issues that surface during premarital guidance, but such an experience is much less traumatic than going through a divorce.

Take Joe, 30, and Susan, 29, who had been dating for more than a year. This couple had already set their date and paid a $1,000 deposit to reserve the reception hall. After taking a premarital preparation program at their church, they discovered many areas that needed to be resolved prior to marriage. They decided to postpone their wedding for six months. At first Susan was unhappy about the postponement, but knew that it was the right thing to do.

The most effective premarital programs focus on teaching couples how to make the transition from single life to married life. These programs make couples aware of the risk factors that will lead to divorce or marital distress. Communication, conflict resolution, and consensus building are the factors that are most predictive of future distress. What couples call "irreconcilable differences" often occur in areas in which a couple can make changes and be taught skills for handling their differences.

Couples must also discuss and assess other factors that are less amenable to change or not changeable at all, but that may have potential influence on the success of the relationship. These factors include each partner's individual traits and behaviors, i.e., emotional health, self-esteem, neurotic behaviors, and dysfunctional attitudes.

Other areas for assessment are similarity of race, religion, values, age, and gender role expectations. Couples will also want to assess how background factors, including family of origin, socioeconomic status, and previous divorce history, might impact their relationship. If couples are aware of these factors prior to marriage and preferably before engagement, then they can make more informed choices, anticipate future problems, and sometimes, for their benefit, decide to dissolve a relationship.

New Directions in Premarital Education

As a denomination, we must be more intentional about preparing persons for marriage. First, we have to begin looking at premarital education as prevention, thus taking a long-term approach to the process. This approach clearly requires a big commitment from those who are providing premarital education. Each local church must be prepared to establish specific guidelines for engaged couples (see www.adventistfamilyministries.org for the North American Division policy).

In the past, the pastor has been solely responsible for premarital preparation of couples. Perhaps the time has come for us to take a community-oriented approach to the premarital effort. The church family must be willing to make a bigger investment of time, energy, thought, and prayer in preparing a premarital education program that supports and prepares couples and individuals in the church for marriage.

The family ministries committee of the local church can serve as a wonderful resource. Churches can use the many tested instruments based on solid research, such as PREPARE, RELATE, and FOCUS, which help assess the strengths and weaknesses of couples. There are also many intervention programs that are ideal for use with premarital couples.

Local churches can collaborate to provide premarital or relationship-strengthening classes for groups of couples. The pastor can then meet with couples privately to discuss deeper issues, and, when ready, make plans for the wedding.

Christian counselors, therapists, and certified family life educators may also serve as an excellent resource in providing premarital education for couples. Some churches use trained mentor couples. These are couples who are committed to their own relationship and are interested in helping new couples have Christ-centered marriages.

Keeping the Knot Tied

Premarital education is a unique opportunity to influence the future of married couples, families, and society. Couples who participate in effective premarital preparation programs are reducing their risks of future marital distress and divorce and enhancing their capacity for a healthy, satisfying, and Christ-centered marriage.

Couples will need ongoing support to maintain the preventive effectiveness. Couples must take advantage of enrichment seminars and retreats as often as possible, and churches must provide these opportunities for couples.

Marriage isn't an individual sport. It truly is a team effort. The effects of divorce are battering our society, and many eyes are appropriately looking toward faith communities to take the lead in making a turnaround.

Ellen White says it well: "One well-ordered, well-disciplined family tells more in behalf of Christianity than all the sermons that can be preached"(The Adventist Home, p. 32). We hope and pray that the Seventh-day Adventist Church will be in center court and not left sitting on the bench.

Willie Oliver is the director of family ministries for the North American Division. Elaine Oliver is director of financial aid at Columbia Union College and a marriage and family consultant for the North American Division.

For additional information on premarital resources, please contact the NAD Department of Family Ministries, www.adventistfamilyministries.org.