Seventh-day Adventists place a high value on marriage. A higher percentage of Adventist households are headed by married couples than is true for the general population in the U.S. and Canada. In a survey we conducted, two-thirds of respondents agree that "keeping a lifelong commitment to another person is vital, no matter how painful it becomes."
Americans are waiting longer to get married than at any time since the U.S. Census started collecting the statistic more than a century ago. The median age at first marriage is now 26 for men and 24 for women. Instead of marrying shortly after high school, as was the norm for many decades, Americans now are more likely to attend college, live on their own, or move in with someone for several years.
This is a trend that Adventists appear to be ignoring. In the most recent age cohort among our survey respondents, there is no rise in the median age at which they married. This may indicate that Adventist teachings about the sanctity of sexual relations within marriage are actually moving a significant number of young women and men to marry earlier and not "live together" as do many of their generational peers outside the church.
"I was raised an Adventist and was a member in good standing at the time of my marriage," say two out of five of our respondents. Only a third say the same about their spouse.
For both spouses, one in eight were reared in an Adventist home but were not active church members when they married. Respondents who later divorced are more likely to report that they or their spouse were church dropouts at the time of their wedding.
One in twenty joined the Adventist Church within a year of their wedding. One in four indicate that it was more than a year before they joined the church. A significantly lower percentage of their spouses joined after the wedding—only about one in eight. Twenty-five percent report that their spouse never did join the church.
Strengths in Adventist Marriages
The high value placed on commitment may be the major strength in Adventist marriages. Five in six feel strongly that their spouse is "loyal to our marriage." Individuals who have gone through a divorce are less likely to agree.
Only a bare majority of Adventist couples report each of the other strengths in their marriages as expressed in the following statements: "My spouse has a strong religious commitment," "My spouse is warm and affectionate to me," "My spouse often expresses love to me," "We talk with each other often. We talk about a wide range of topics," and "My spouse is willing to work through problems."
Improvement Needed
Even with many strengths, most married couples could improve their communication. Only two in five strongly agree that "my spouse keeps our communication channels open." Only a third agree strongly with, "My spouse usually understands what I say." One in four say their husband or wife "is not very supportive."
There is plenty of room for improvement in interpersonal skills among Adventist couples. Learning to be more sensitive and supportive, listening better, and developing cooperative instincts are all elements of Christian character growth. Unfortunately, these are not often seen to be as important as the study of Bible facts and abstract theology. We agree with George Knight, seminary professor at Andrews University, "Sanctification is becoming more loving. Period. If theology makes you mean, it's wrong theology. Even if you're right."
Nearly half of our respondents say, "My spouse resists changes in our life." This is a significant barrier to improvement in Adventist marriages.
Gender Roles in Marriage
The egalitarian marriage is a well-established pattern among Seventh-day Adventists in America. Two out of three couples report that both spouses are "the chief decision-maker" in their home.
It is unlikely that either the male-dominate model of the "traditional family values" movement or the female-led model of the "radical feminists" will be adopted widely. Not only is the egalitarian model well-entrenched in the Adventist community, it enjoys strong support from both theologians and family life specialists.
Marital Conflict
Conflict is a part of every marriage, and each couple handles it differently. Some are quite verbal, while others primarily use nonverbal communication. Some get angry and express much emotion, often including an equal amount of feeling in the "making up" that comes when the fight is settled. Others settle their differences through quiet, reasoned discussion. Some are very sensitive to the needs of their spouse, even while they disagree, while others are quite selfish.
What do Adventist couples fight about?
1. Money tops the list, with economic issues having a greater impact than on the general public. One of the reasons: Adventist couples contribute to the church and other charities far more than the average American family. In addition, they invest in Christian education for their children. Some experience job disadvantages due to Sabbath-keeping.
2. A third of couples report that nagging and in-laws are major issues.
3. About a quarter of our respondents say discipline of their children, sex, leisure time activities, and job-related issues are major sources of conflict in their marriage.
4. According to one in five of our respondents, either housekeeping or religion is a major source of discord. Respondents who were members less than five years are most likely to indicate conflict over religion. In one-fifth of Adventist households, one spouse is not a church member. Other than occasional articles and a book on the topic, the unique needs of "divided" families have not been addressed by the denomination. What type of evangelistic strategies win both spouses at the same time?
5. About one in seven couples say jealousy causes tension.
6. At the bottom of the list are issues that emerge in the most dysfunctional marriages—use of alcohol and drugs, mental cruelty, physical abuse, adultery, and lack of financial support for the family—are reported by about one in ten or fewer of our respondents. (Note: We asked about the number of households where there is conflict on this topic. Other studies have sought the number of individuals who have used alcohol or drugs.)
Respondents who indicate they are currently separated from their spouse, but not divorced, are much more likely to report all of the items on the list except for conflict about in-laws. It appears that separation occurs when there is a cluster of several major problems between spouses, rather than a single issue.
Increase in Marital Conflict
There has been an enormous increase over the last two decades in the number of Adventist couples who admit major marital conflict. Our surveys included the same question used in surveys in 1974–75. On every item a comparison of our data reveals two or three times the percentage as compared to responses in the mid-1970s.
The rank order of the issues is largely unchanged, indicating that the change has more to do with the willingness of couples to admit that they have problems than with a significant change in the social dynamics or context of married life.
It is time for Adventist spirituality to embrace the relational aspect of life. We must help believers bring Christ into their marriages in a way that helps them face their needs in His strength and with His values. The reality that married couples have conflicts is not sin. However, it can result in much evil, especially if the church turns its back on the reality revealed in this data and perpetuates the myth that if a couple will just spend more time in prayer and Bible study, they need not be concerned about conflicts in their marriage.
Sex in Marriage
Sexual difficulties in one's marriage are cause for concern among Adventists, but this concern does not rank very high among potentially worrisome life events. Seven in eight Adventist respondents say that an unfaithful spouse would cause them great concern. A little more than half express concern about sexual problems with their spouse. It may be that the high value Adventists place on the marriage commitment actually reduces the degree of anxiety about sexuality.
God’s Grace
In a tangible sense, even more than as a theological principle, married love is a conveyor of God's grace. Sociologist Andrew Greeley's research has demonstrated that "after the first five years of marriage the spouse becomes the most powerful influence" on the spirituality of their husband or wife—literally conveying the image of God to each other. When a husband or wife says that their spouse is God's gift to them, they speak truth in a most concrete and real way.
For Seventh-day Adventists, there is a mingling of strong elements of spirituality, companionship, and sexuality in successful marriages. Married love and the Sabbath are often highlighted by Adventist preachers as two of God's original creations memorialized in Genesis—possibly the two most powerful assets in the Adventist community in America today.
Monte Sahlin is vice president for the Columbia Union and Norma Sahlin is communication director for the Center for Creative Ministry. The Sahlins are authors of A New Generation of Adventist Families.
