Smack! The ball burned into my glove and I felt my arm rock back a little as my glove closed around the ball. It felt so good to know it was a good throw and a solid catch. The smooth leather of my glove felt good to my fingers as I reached in to grab the ball and throw it back to my teammate. I focused on the glove in the distance, wound up, and threw the ball hard. A moment later—smack! Good catch. How satisfying it was to play catch with someone who I practiced with often. When we heard that call, “Let’s play ball!” we were ready!
The simple skills of throwing and catching the ball successfully are essential to playing softball. In a similar way, good communication is essential to a successful marriage. When a person can’t throw the ball, and struggles desperately to catch it, playing softball can be miserable. When a couple has difficulty sharing their thoughts and feelings and can’t listen well, marriage can be miserable.
Examples of miserable marriage communication can be seen all around you. Just turn on your TV and listen to the discouraging dialog, or open your window and listen to the neighbors yelling at each other right next door. It could even be closer than that—when your own walls vibrate with sounds of angry and hurting voices.
Couples trying to be heard often throw their words at each other more like they’re in a vicious food fight, while ears and hearts are closed in a fearful-protective stance. Other times the picture of a couple’s communication looks like two cold and silent stones that coexist in the same house under a cloud of misunderstanding.
We have all either witnessed or personally experienced one or more of these pictures of broken-down communication, yet none of us really want it that way. At some level we all crave the safety and comfort of loving communication that supports, cares, and understands. We long for what God designed—that we should “encourage one another and build each other up” (1 Thess. 5:11). What does it take to have that kind of communication in our marriages?
Two Ingredients for Satisfying Communication
Satisfying, effective couple communication requires two important ingredients: 1) An attitude of togetherness and, 2) Communication skills. It is possible to have an attitude of great caring for the other person that, without communication skills, ends up in a great deal of frustration. On the other hand, skill in communication alone can lead to what feels like a cold, heartless, and possibly manipulative communication. It is the blending of these two ingredients that will add up to the most satisfying delectable relational heaven. Put simply in a math sentence it would go like this:
Attitude of togetherness + practice (listening + speaking) = satisfying communication
Couple communication has several things in common with playing catch. In communication, speaking is like throwing the ball and listening is like catching with the glove. Consider for a moment the parallels. The one throwing the ball tries to throw the ball in the direction of the one catching, and in a way that it can be caught. It is also helpful for the speaker, the one sending the words, to do so with the intention that they will be caught by the listener’s ear and understood. In playing catch, the person catching the ball attempts in every way to adapt to the incoming ball. This may take running, reaching, jumping, or just adjusting the position of the glove on the hand. So it is with the listener in the communication process. The person catching the words that have been spoken may need to adapt to the incoming words in order to catch the speaker's meaning. This adapting may require summarizing in long paragraphs or very short phrases, matching the emotions in the tone of voice, supporting with loving eye contact, or asking courteous questions to gather further understanding.
Consider playing catch with a person who throws the ball in the opposite direction of the catcher and then blames the catcher for not getting the ball. Or what about the catcher who refuses to move in any way or even open up the glove to catch the ball. Crazy you say? Yet how often do we think we’re trying to communicate but we do not speak clearly or listen carefully?
Do you want a more satisfying delectable relational heaven? Here are some suggestions to help you strengthen both of the essential ingredients for good communication.
To strengthen the first ingredient, the attitude of togetherness, try:
Sharing with each other the first memories you have of each other.
Taking your wedding picture in hand, getting down on your knees, and praying for that couple in the picture.
Asking another couple in your church to pray that your marriage will better reflect His love.
Making a list of all the friction points between you and tape the list on the TV.
Cuddling up to each other in one chair and looking at the list that is no longer between you but out in front of you.
Committing the list to God, asking for Him to not let you place the friction points between you again, but to be a team working together to solve them.
If your spouse does not want to try any of these then share #1 with God, do #2 by yourself, and go ahead and do #3.
To strengthen the second ingredient, your speaking and listening skills, try:
Taking an item that is treasured by both of you and use it as a talking stick. The one who holds it speaks while the other one listens. Pass it back and forth.
Having the speaker take and hold a ball while speaking. The listener holds a glove while listening, making sure that every attempt is made to catch the speaker’s message.
Sharing what you would each like to do personally to help improve your couple communication play.
Going to a marriage strengthening seminar like From This Day Forward that will help you polish your listening and talking skills.
If your spouse does not want to practice to improve talking or listening with you, consider how God might be bringing different safe people into your life at work or church to help you practice using your glove of listening or how you throw the ball of talking.
The good communication skills of speaking and listening are essential to healthy relationships, just as throwing and catching the ball are essential to playing ball. Even with the best of skills, don’t forget the attitude of togetherness that must be present to bring the heart of caring into each interaction. Go for it! You don’t have to be perfect even when you play ball. Do your best and God will bless. “Let’s Communicate!”
Mike Aufderhar is the senior pastor of the Wenatchee (Wash.) church district. He and his wife Brenda are active teaching couple communication skills across North America and in other parts of the world. They are passionate about Family Ministry not only at home with their two teenagers, but also in their church and community.
