Growing up in any family has its challenges. But those challenges can be compounded when a family member has a mental illness. Children in a home where one or both of their parents have a mental illness experience instability, unpredictability, and confusion. They take on some of the adult roles, such as managing the younger children and carrying out many household duties. They often find themselves trying to take care of the emotional and even physical needs of their parent or parents as well.

Children in this situation often don’t receive the nurturing and parental care they need. They are generally embarrassed to talk about their situation and feel ashamed. Children are excellent recorders but often poor interpreters. When there are family problems, they generally internalize that they are somehow causing the problems and/or their parents don’t really love them.

Children don’t generally share these thoughts with others. They feel alone in the situation. Sadly, they will even withdraw from other relatives and friends who could support them. One of the reasons for this is they don’t know how to articulate their needs, even to themselves. In the chaos of the situation, adults are often oblivious to the subtle changes in a child. This is serious!

Living in a home with adult mental illness has lasting consequences. Children often grow up with guilt, resentment, continuing shame and embarrassment, depression, repressed anger, fear of inheriting their parent’s mental illness, confusion about their own identity, and self-defeating thoughts, attitudes, and behaviors. Those issues can show themselves in many ways as adults, such as:

Difficulty initiating and maintaining friendships and lasting relationships

Difficulty balancing care of self and taking care of others

Difficulty trusting themselves and others

Excessive dependence on others or overly avoiding intimacy

Being overly responsible or irresponsible in many areas of life such as commitments, money, alcohol, etc.

If you are living with or have lived with parental mental illness, you can help yourself. Acknowledge you have a parent with mental illness and acknowledge the effects it has had on you. Develop new ways to take care of yourself, and develop new ways to relate to others. Seek more information and find the support you need.

If you are a parent whose partner has mental illness, or you either suspect your own struggles are because of mental illness or have been diagnosed and are living with mental illness, it is important that you strongly consider your children and their best interests. Be honest and open with them, in a developmentally appropriate way.

If you suspect there is undiagnosed mental illness in your family, take action. Get help early! Understand that distress, guilt, anger, or shame are common reactions. Understand that neither you nor the person with the mental illness are to blame for it. Learning all you can about the illness is invaluable. A positive attitude and a deep and abiding faith in God’s care is also invaluable!

Susan Murray is an assistant professor of family studies who teaches behavioral science and social work at Andrews University. She is a certified family life educator and licensed marriage and family therapist.