"If you don’t do something right away, you could die.”

Several hours after his unsettling doctor’s appointment, Lester still felt shaken by the ominous words that continued to ring in his ears: You could die. His thoughts raced back to his late father, who had died at age 47 from heart disease. And he grimly noted his own blood pressure, already measuring an alarming 154/102 and climbing. Would he follow in his dad’s footsteps to an early grave?

Lester’s stressful job—“rush, rush, rush,” as he summed it up—didn’t help matters. And he felt even more pressure when a recent promotion to supervisor caused many of his former friends to make nasty comments about him behind his back. The backstabbing also made Lester angry, although he never called it that. He didn’t see himself as angry, since he was not an explosive person and did not easily lose his temper. Even so, the test results his doctor had just gone over with Lester indicated that he harbored a high degree of resentment and inner bitterness. Apparently, rather than showing his true feelings, Lester had simply learned to stuff them. He’s not alone.

In a world riveted by conflict, everyone has a “grievance story”—we’ve all been hurt or rejected by someone who mattered to us. From the legacy of 9/11 to the man or woman who broke your heart, to divorce, to random violence, to the boss that holds you back—we all have experienced pain in the past. Too often, that damage leads to negative emotions such as anger that linger for years because your grievance story gets refreshed over and over again in your mind. This rehashing of the grievance story results in many negative health consequences including: increased risk of disease, a lack of mental and emotional peace, feelings of loneliness, social isolation, and a shorter lifespan.

Unfortunately, while most of us have been told to forgive, we’ve never been told how or why to forgive.

Anger Kills

Today, it is a clinically proven fact that anger kills. Recently I conducted a study with Stanford University and Florida Hospital that demonstrated a link between practicing forgiveness and better health. The results of the study are published by Integrity Publishers and Florida Hospital in a new book entitled Forgive to Live: How Forgiveness Can Save Your Life.

When you refuse to forgive (or don’t know the proper way to forgive), your grievance story produces a complex range of emotions consisting of resentment, bitterness, hatred, hostility, residual anger, and fear.

How widespread is the problem? There probably isn’t a person in the country who hasn’t tried to forgive at one time or another and failed. Most people have tried to forgive the offender and forget the pain—but it’s still there. "Forgive to Live" isn’t just a catchy title or memorable slogan; it describes an effective way to function in an unfair world that can give you peace and joy that so far may have eluded you.

For all of these reasons, Lester knew he was in trouble—but what could he do?

Fortunately, his physician had an idea. “Would you be open to taking part in a study that teaches participants who suffer from high blood pressure a new way of managing their disease?” he asked. Lester didn’t see what he had to lose, so he joined an eight-week forgiveness training program.

Within two months, Lester’s blood pressure dropped back to a normal reading, and his anger scores fell well within the normal range. He felt as though he had reclaimed his future. Forgiveness had literally saved his life!

While Lester’s story may be more dramatic than most, it is just one of hundreds from ordinary men and women who have discovered the healing power of forgiveness.

What Forgiveness Is Not

“But I’ve tried forgiveness,” you say, “and it didn’t work for me.” The problem may not be forgiveness itself, but your understanding of forgiveness. Forgiveness does not mean that you:

Forgive and forget—Forgiveness does not wipe out your memory, nor is it a delete key for reality. The test of genuine forgiveness is not whether you remember the event in question, but how you remember it.

Forgive to make the wrong right—Forgiveness never makes a wrong act right, nor does forgiveness condone or excuse the wrong act. Forgiveness defines who you are; it does not redefine the other’s wrongful act as right.

Forgive and make up—Often forgiveness can lead to reconciliation, but not always. It takes two people to reconcile, but only one to forgive. You can forgive whether the other participates or not.

So if forgiveness is not pardoning, condoning, excusing, forgetting, or denying, then what is it? How can genuine forgiveness best be defined so that it can do its amazing work of healing in your life?

What Forgiveness Is

Forgiveness is the process of reframing your anger and hurt from the past, with the goal of recovering your peace in the present and revitalizing your purpose and hopes for the future. Forgiveness has three distinct dimensions: Relational Forgiveness, Spiritual Forgiveness, and Personal Forgiveness.

Relational Forgiveness—Relational forgiveness focuses on what happens between two people when a conflict arises. For relational forgiveness to take place, one person has to ask for forgiveness and the other person has to grant it. In this way, the conflict gets resolved so the two can continue working and living together.

Spiritual Forgiveness—Researchers have found that the most frequent way the term “forgiveness” gets used is in asking God for forgiveness and for the strength to forgive others—and yet one does not need to be religious in order to see the value of forgiveness and to successfully put it into practice. The spiritual dimension of forgiveness deals with the broadest and biggest issues of life and can help you find personal meaning and purpose, regardless of where you may be on your spiritual journey.

Personal Forgiveness—At the personal level, forgiveness is for your own healing. You recognize your need to let go of resentment. You realize it is burning a hole in your soul and ruining your life. You come to understand there is no value in holding on to your grudge so, through forgiveness, you let it go. This aspect of forgiveness has the most therapeutic and healing value, for it can assist you in your journey from hurt to healing, from victim to victor, and from bitter to better.

The only effective response to the past is forgiveness, the only effective response to the present is love, and the only effective response to the future is hope. Begin your journey of forgiveness today. You can truly forgive to live.

Dick Tibbits, Ph.D., is a licensed mental health counselor, an ordained minister, and chief people officer at Florida Hospital.

See "Ten Principles of Forgiveness" online at www.lakeunionherald.org.