We got that phone call that we dreaded. My husband, who was out of town, informed me, “I just got a call; Mom has been hospitalized with a broken pelvis. She may need care till she can walk again.”

Twenty-two million Americans are getting similar phone calls as Americans age and live longer. There is a 300 percent increase of adult children taking care of older parents after accidents, chronic illness, or dementia. This results in a situation where relationships between parent and child will be impacted as long as the parent lives.

Working as a hospital social worker, I watched hundreds of families deal with the care needs of elderly parents. Making decisions about health care treatment, risk of living alone, and trying to keep a parent safe but independent was not always appreciated by the parent. These decisions are often made in haste because of the older adult's impending discharge from the hospital.

Many older adults do not comprehend their own care needs and have a drive to be independent. An AARP (American Association of Retired Persons) poll found older adults say they prefer living in close proximity to their children but not with their children. They also say they want control of their lives. Sometimes, their inability to care for themselves represents putting the adult child between the parent and their immediate family. This is termed the "sandwich generation.”

As a result of the anger they may feel at them for making decisions about their future and the care needs of their children and spouse, many adult caregivers say they feel alone, especially if they are the only local child or the only person perceived as available to help the parent. This may be further complicated by the criticism of siblings who live far away and are not involved in the care themselves, and who may be critical because of the guilt they feel in not being as involved.

Another complication to caregivers occurs if the aging parent has a mental health problem, behavioral aggression or paranoia, substance abuse problems, or socially inappropriate behaviors. Aging parents are more vulnerable to their adult caregivers when they have a history of neglecting or physically abusing their children in the past and now are vulnerable to an angry adult child.

Life in our society has never been busier, and caregivers can be emotionally, physically, and financially drained by taking care of the elderly parent. Care could take many years. Others seize an opportunity and time to work on past relationship problems and may find the experience very positive.

Apostle Paul pointed out that families are to meet the needs of elderly members (1Timothy 5:1–7). Despite the stress caregivers often feel, 42 percent say they find support, comfort, and help from their church (synagogue, temple, or other religious organization).

It is always important that caregivers care well for themselves and delegate responsibilities often, to avoid burnout and depression. My mother-in-law was able to get services at her home—nursing and physical therapy that helped her regain her strength and maintain some independence. But we are working to become familiar with community resources and develop a support network with her local church in case another crisis emerges.

Laurie Snyman is social worker and family therapist. She owns Awakenings Family Therapy in Lansing, Michigan.